


Troubleshooter!

by XpaperplaneX



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Paranoia (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Casual Drug Use, Casual Murder, Casual suicide, Cliffhangers, Crossover, Dark Comedy, Dystopia, Human Experimentation, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26928823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XpaperplaneX/pseuds/XpaperplaneX
Summary: Cloud-R-NBL-1 leads a good life. He is happy. The Computer is his friend. He is one of the elite: a Troubleshooter. He finds trouble, and he shoots it. His missions are easy and fun. His Nutriblock is tasty and nutritious. His hygiene is excellent and well-within standards. The entertainment show he watches every evening is entertaining and not boring.But there are rumours (rumours are treason) that life in Shinra Complex is not quite the utopia it seems to be. Disruptions in Food Production, out-of-control warbots, vandalism, junior citizens running amok in their crèches, no ceiling in the Outdoors, a malfunctioning vending machine. Who could be behind all these disasters? (Mutant Commie saboteurs, obviously.)Join Cloud-R as he attempts to navigate Shinra Complex’s complex hierarchy system, blow up a power plant, rescue a High Programmer’s friends, and get the vending machine fixed, all while not committing too much treason. A difficult task for a mutant traitor, to be honest. At least he’s not a Communist. Probably.
Relationships: Sephiroth/Cloud Strife
Comments: 79
Kudos: 64





	1. Greetings From Friend Computer

**Author's Note:**

> In an effort to not end up with too much of a beer belly by the time this plague nonsense either gets sorted out or kills us all, I’ve been going for long walks most days. On one such walk, in what can only be blamed on a fit of heat stroke and dehydration induced insanity, I had the genius idea to write a crossover between FF7 and Paranoia, the pencil and paper RPG first published in 1984. A sure fire hit, I thought. It will be the greatest thing I've ever written. They do always say to write for yourself.
> 
> I recognize that perhaps not everyone has played the only fun game in existence (though it does apparently have a newish version that’s simplified with cards and terrorists instead of Communists because we have to keep up with the times if you want to give it a try), so I’ve done my best to make sure that things make a bit of sense, even though Paranoia never makes sense. 
> 
> Anyway, my mom has been reading this as a fandom blind guinea pig. Her knowledge of FF7 stops at: “Sephiroth and Cloud aren’t canon boyfriends!? This is the worst thing ever! What!? They’re actually enemies!? Why can't they at least be friends? I’m done with this nonsense.” And her memory of Paranoia was jogged when I said it was the game we were playing when she’d hear screams of, “Die, pinko Commie mutant traitor scum! Pew, pew, pew!” coming from the basement. She wondered if it was the same game where everyone got oddly picky about snack colours. (It was.)
> 
> Anyway, anyway, she said it was good, not completely nonsensical (though I could hear the, ‘Is it drugs? She does drink a lot,’ in her voice when she said that), and that she understood the worldbuilding stuff, so I win! Or she was lying. Or she has the same stupid sense of humour as me. So, if you’re still reading by this point, all you really need to know is that The Computer is your friend. Trust The Computer. The Computer would never lead you astray. Oh, you should also know the light spectrum. Richard of York gave battle in vain. Anything more is above your security clearance level. Oh, and on the off chance that you do know Paranoia, I’ve changed the Sierra Club to the Suzuki Club because racism and as far as I’m aware, David Suzuki is a decent chap who just likes nature without all the eugenics and whites only bullshit. 
> 
> Also, I learned CSS for this. That’s a lie, of course. I asked on Reddit and a kind soul did it for me. But the point is that effort was made. I had to learn about work skins and copy/paste things. If it’s terrible, please tell me. Otherwise, enjoy! Or not. It's kind of weird and there's no smut.
> 
> Oh no. It’s terrible on a phone screen. Please don’t read on your phone, or turn off the creator style at least, and I will do my best to fix it as soon as I can.

“Good morning, citizens of Shinra Complex! Today will be another happy and productive day! Remember, happiness is mandatory.”

The Computer’s morning greeting broke the quiet of the room, and Cloud-R-NBL-1 rolled out of bed with a smile, greeting his five roommates in turn. He swallowed two Wakey-wakey pills and did a few stretches before going to the shower room and following the mandatory morning hygiene protocols. The cold shower was refreshing, and when he was clean, he dressed himself in his stylish red reflec armour coveralls, strapped his Series 1300 Personal Digital Companion to his wrist, and clipped his utility belt around his waist, making sure everything was in its proper place. 

Laser pistol – check. 189 Plasticreds – check. Armed Forces ID card – check. Length of string – check. Suzuki Club secret society propaganda – check. This issue was something about ‘trees’. Half-finished packet of Cruncheetym Algae Snacks – double check. The vending machine in his housing unit had been out of order for weeks waiting on the proper paperwork for repairs, and Cloud-R was rationing his last packet. They were more along the lines of Soggeetym Algae Snacks now, however. He _could_ try the black market, he thought very quietly. His credits were in no short supply thanks to the highly successful mission he had led to discover and eliminate the source of the Communist propaganda that lined the insides of the Yeastiyum Nutriblock wrappers. 

Well, the mission that he had ended up leading by virtue of being the sole survivor. Cloud-R had been quite proud of his aim that Twosday. Who would have thought there would be so many traitors on a single team? At any rate, the black market wasn’t a financial impossibility if the situation got truly desperate.

Set for the day, Cloud-R made his way to the cafeteria where he debated between a quick Nutriblock—now propaganda-free—or a bowl of slightly more luxurious YumBot Hot Fun. He settled on the Hot Fun and grabbed a bottle of Milklyke as well, scanning them at the pay station and debiting his account. A glance around the red tables revealed his friend Tifa-R.

Perhaps ‘friend’ was a bit of an exaggeration, but Tifa-R’s family unit was decanted in NBL sector as well, and they had been promoted from Infrared together when they exposed the mutant Johnny-NBL-4’s polymorph power after his hair turned a treacherous shade of red. When he noticed her, an idea blossomed in Cloud-R’s head, and he made his way over to her table. She had been assigned to the Housing Preservation and Development and Mind Control service group for training after her promotion. And while, like him, she was primarily a Troubleshooter, he thought she might have better luck with making progress on getting the vending machine fixed. Even though she was higher-ranked than him, being members of the same secret society would surely help his case.

“Good morning, Tifa-R,” he said, sitting down in the empty seat across from her and flashing the secret sign for Avalanche. 

“Good morning, Cloud-R.”

People who had held their clearance level for longer often dropped the identifier when speaking casually, since it was obvious from their clothes, but Cloud-R was still so over the moon about no longer being an Infrared drone that he liked hearing the R every time his name was spoken. He was certain that Tifa-R felt the same.

“I heard there’s a riot in the Infrared cafeteria,” Tifa-R said casually.

“Oh?” That was surely a rumour, and rumours were treason, but it was also interesting. 

“Apparently there’s been nothing but yellow food in their cafeteria for three daycycles.”

“It’s probably Communist misinformation.” Cloud-R took a bite of his Hot Fun—now more like Lukewarm Fun—and tried to be casual, but he remembered the food riots well. He didn’t like to think that The Computer mismanaged things like that, but every once in a while, he couldn’t help but wonder why, if sabotage had occurred and they didn’t have clearance-appropriate food, they couldn’t just eat what was available. “But, um, speaking of food, the Algae Snack dispenser in my housing unit has been broken for nearly three weekcycles. We apparently need a 174Z6a stroke 23 form, but HPD & MC keeps giving me the runaround.”

“You need a what?”

“Form number 174Z6a stroke 23. It’s … I think the Tech Services goon said it was an authorization to repair communal vending machines, pharmaceutical supplement dispensers, and autogyro foot baths. Do you think you could help me track one down?”

Tifa-R looked thoughtful for a moment. “I might be able to come up with something for you.”

“If?” he prodded.

“If you find me an autogyro foot bath.”

Cloud-R burst out laughing, spraying Milklyke all over the table. “What even is that? I bet it doesn’t exist.”

She laughed as well. “Just like your form. If you ever find one, though, I get to try it first. I’ll forge the form for you, but you owe me a favour.”

“Deal.” Okay, maybe forgery wasn’t the most loyal of activities, and promising open-ended favours wasn’t the most intelligent thing to do, but if he could have fresh Cruncheetyms again, it would be worth it.

After breakfast, he followed a grey corridor that had a wide red line painted down the middle of the walls. It was occasionally broken by an orange or yellow door, and Cloud was careful to not look at them for too long, mindful of the cameras that were dotted everywhere. It was treason to wonder what lay beyond them. He passed by interactive monitors that displayed friendly messages such as, “Just say NO to secret societies,” and, “Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy?”

Though he declined to fill out the survey on his happiness levels, Cloud-R thought he would be happy even if it wasn’t mandatory. After his promotion to Red clearance level and assignment as a Troubleshooter, Cloud-R had been assigned to the Armed Forces service group for his work when he wasn’t on missions. A dream position if there ever was one. 

Sure, if he didn’t have a Troubleshooter mission, his days were filled with drills, training, and guard duty—no great battles with Communist hordes in the Outdoors like all the HPD & MC-produced shows depicted. And yes, training mostly consisted of watching videos about how great the Army was or listening to pre-recorded speeches from Heidegger-I-MDG-5 about loyalty to The Computer and the evils of Communism.

But being Army came with perks. Namely, he was authorized to carry his laser pistol—barrel included—at all times, and as a result, Internal Security gave him a wide berth. IntSec thugs preferred bullying people weaker than them, and Army were anything but. And, boring as Heidegger-I’s speeches were, they were a vast improvement over working in the food vats. Going to the Outdoors wasn’t unheard of, either, and it was likely that if he continued to perform well, he would be assigned a mission there one day. That would sure be something to see.

At the end of the workday—which had included target practice with a mostly functional laser rifle—Cloud-R retired to the communal lounge, took a handful of Mello-daze caplets, and drank a can of NearBeer while watching the same episode of Teela-O-MLY Adventures that had been playing on a loop since last Fivesday. Tifa-R came by to chat, and she slipped a folded-up piece of paper into his utility belt while they talked. When she left, he drank a cup of Sleepy-tyme relaxant and went to bed. It had been a happy and productive day. He kept that thought firmly in mind as he fell asleep, not wanting to be sent for happiness re-education again.

***

The Tech goon did not look pleased to see the form Cloud-R handed him the following morning. “I dunno …” he drawled as he looked it over. “It doesn’t authorize any equipment I’d need to use to fix it.”

“It’s all covered in stamps!” Cloud-R protested angrily, missing his crunchy Cruncheetyms more than ever now that the possibility of having them was at his fingertips. “Surely one of those stamps covers equipment!”

“Sorry, bub. No can do. You’ll need a 9362k stroke 4yZ. Authorization to—”

Cloud pulled out his laser pistol and held it to the goon’s head. “Are you refusing to repair equipment that belongs to The Computer?” he snarled. “Is that not a treasonous act?”

“No, sir!” the goon yelped. “It’d be treason if I didn’t—”

“So you’re not a Commie saboteur trying to prevent loyal citizens from obtaining the delicious algae snacks they deserve?”

“No, sir, absolutely not! It’ll be fixed by end of daycycle.”

Cloud holstered his weapon as the Tech began pulling things out of his tool belt and fiddling with the machine. “It had better be, or I’ll report your treasonous ass to The Computer for refusing to do your job.”

He stomped off angrily, but stopped at a pharmaceutical dispenser and requested some CheerUps from it. Maybe he had overreacted. He felt that was probably because his stress-relieving mutation hadn’t manifested in a while, but sometimes the bureaucracy was just really frustrating. If he was going to be in debt to Tifa-R for some unknown favour, he wanted results! The CheerUps took effect quickly, at least, and Cloud-R was feeling much happier when his PDC chimed with an alert.

It took four tries for the fingerprint scanner to work, and Cloud-R was getting more nervous with each try as it continued to shout, “Alert! Alert!” Finally, the small screen filled with cheerful text as The Computer’s voice began to read out loud.

** *** MISSION ALERT *** **

Troubleshooter Cloud-R-NBL-1, Armed Forces.

Mission Code: J-Alpha-Niner Dash 3  
Investigate trouble in **[REDACTED]**. Shoot as required.

Greetings Troubleshooter! You have been generously granted another opportunity to serve The Computer and Shinra Complex. Proceed immediately to Transtube Platform A8:C7:60:FF for transportation to briefing room

An ad for delicious and refreshing NearBeer popped up over the scrolling text, interrupting The Computer and causing Cloud-R to swear under his breath. He scrambled to close it.

followed by escort to standard PLC outfitting.

*If there are optional service firm services available after outfitting, you may be required to volunteer for additional product testing while executing your mission.

Another pop-up appeared. This one claiming to be an offishul patch for his PDC to prevent hakkers. “Of course,” Cloud-R muttered as he ignored his options of ‘Sure!’ and ‘Y not?’ and searched for the actual way to close out of it. The sound and screen went wonky as The Computer was telling him which Transtube platform to take to his debriefing upon successful completion of the mission, but he could sort that out later, if he lived.

This mission is guaranteed to be safe, easy, and fun! Your friend The Computer has every confidence in your abilities!

Remember:

Stay Alert  
Trust No One  
Keep Your Laser Handy

No information on the mission itself, but that was hardly unusual. Cloud-R was simply happy that the location of the platform he had to go to had been included this time. That was very helpful. The Computer’s confidence was cause for slight concern, however. In his limited experience, the more dangerous the mission, the more cheerful The Computer became.

“Oh, boy! A mission! I look forward to the chance to serve Friend Computer!” Cloud-R said with all his enthusiasm. He did sort of mean it. Even if he died, it would probably be exciting.

Feeling satisfied that enough passersby and cameras had picked up on his enthusiasm, Cloud-R jotted down both the mission code and platform number on the back of the Suzuki Club propaganda, then pulled up a map. Surprisingly, the platform he needed existed, and wasn’t even too far away. It was definitely looking to be a good day!

Cloud-R began to have doubts, however, when the Transtube ejected him at an unmarked platform that was crawling with Blues. The Blues were the unit of IntSec that dealt with serious crimes and unrest, and even as Army, he didn’t have a hope of standing up against them. The platform was, at least, still appropriately red.

“Friend Computer,” he said into his PDC.

“How may I be of assistance?” the upbeat voice immediately replied.

“I believe there may have been some interference from hackers during the transmission of my mission orders, and I’m afraid I don’t know which briefing room I should report to. Could you, in your gracious wisdom, please remind this loyal citizen?”

The Blues were looking at him with suspicion. He couldn’t really blame them.

“You don’t know your orders?” The Computer’s voice dropped a degree or ten in cheerfulness.

“I just need to know which way—”

“I’m afraid that is above your clearance level, Cloud-R-NBL-1.”

“Hey, Troubleshooter, over here.” Cloud-R looked up to see a man in blue coveralls with an image of a large something with spread wings sewn on his shoulder and a huge force sword strapped to his back. He was one of the Vultures Squadron—the Armed Forces elite, and definitely not IntSec. Unless he was an undercover spy.

“Thank you for your assistance, Friend Computer,” Cloud-R said to his PDC. “I think I’ve remembered.”

“Happy to be of service!” it chimed.

The Blue stuck out his hand as though he wished to shake Cloud-R’s. While he _had_ observed all the proper hygiene protocols today, including scrubbing under his nails, he still felt terribly unwashed as he reluctantly held his hand out. It was caught up in the other’s and given a hearty shake.

“Zack-B-GGA-4. Pleasure to meet you. This way.”

“Cloud-R-NBL-1.”

“One, eh? Still on your first? That screams either cowardice or talent.” The man stopped and looked him up and down. “I’m going to go with talent. Through here. Off you go.”

Zack-B opened a door and pushed him through it before Cloud-R could even register what colour it was.

The room was very bright. Compared to the black of the Infrared areas, it was the complete opposite. Compared to the warm reds, oranges, and yellows that he was familiar with, it was cold. Compared to the cool greens and blues of his commanding officers, it was warm. Eventually the room resolved into more recognizable shapes. There was a desk. A man sat at it. The briefing officer, most likely. He had hair of a colour similar to the grey walls that were only broken by a single band of clearance colour, rather than painted fully. But it was brighter, shinier than that. Like polished metal. His coveralls were highly tailored. The only colour on them that he recognized was the yellow belt around his waist. A registered mutant, then. So probably not very high-ranked. Perhaps the unknown colour was something below Infrared.

Feeling reasonably confident that he was the superior in this situation, Cloud-R stood up straight. “What colour is this?” he demanded to know, indicating to the walls, the man’s uniform, the desk, and computer monitor.

“White,” the man said.

White. There was a rumour—and yes, he knew that rumours were treason, but sometimes they really paid off. There was a rumour that white was worn by Ultraviolet citizens. The High Programmers. Panic rising in his chest, Cloud-R looked at the nameplate on the desk. Sephiroth-U-JNV-2.

Sephiroth-U. U. Ultraviolet. The highest clearance level. 

He had somehow, by some terrible mistake—no doubt his own—ended up in an Ultraviolet room with an Ultraviolet clearance citizen. No amount of bootlicking, truth-twisting, or chutzpah would get him out of this mess. Cloud-R did the only reasonable thing he could think of in such a hopeless situation. He found himself guilty of treason, pulled out his laser pistol, and carried out his own execution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no!


	2. The Ultraviolet

Cloud-R-NBL-2 snapped back into awareness when he was MemoMaxed into the same room as the corpse of Cloud-R-NBL-1. Oh no. Sure, as a new clone, he was innocent of all charges and accusations his previous clone may have been facing, but by being in the Ultraviolet clearance room once more, he was just carrying on committing the same, very obvious, very treasonous act. His hand moved to the laser pistol at his waist, only to realize that it was still in One’s hand. 

“Well, that was excessively dramatic,” Sephiroth-U said without looking up from the computer he was typing on. “Please refrain from any more summary executions without consulting with me first.”

With what were apparently direct orders to not kill himself, and lacking any better choices, Cloud-R took his only remaining option. He lay down on the floor and closed his eyes. Maybe he could claim Communist mind control. The typing stopped for a moment, then started up again with a sigh. At least Sephiroth-U seemed willing to let him wallow in his treason. That was kind.

After a while, Cloud-R heard a pounding of feet, then the door flew open. Ah, the Blues, come to take him away for public execution. Of course. It was presumptuous to think that he didn’t deserve that. 

“Let me use the back exit here, boss, pleas—uhh … what’s the little guy doing?”

Cloud-R recognized the voice of the non-IntSec Blue who had helped him to—well, he hesitated to call it the _right_ room, but he had helped him to the room he was in. What an asshole.

“Pretending to be dead, I assume.”

“Oh, shit, and that’s—oh, _shit_ , I should’ve warned him. Sorry, little guy.”

“I think being here is a bit of a shock for him and he needs a breather. Why do you need the back exit?”

“The Blues have their batons all shoved up their backsides and are upset about some minor vandalism or something. Say, if his first is dead anyway, can I pop this into his pocket? Just in case? I’m completely innocent, mind you, but you know how the Blues are.”

“Mmm hmm. What did you destroy this time?”

“Nothing’s destroyed. Well, nothing that can’t be fixed with a bit of TLC and a slap of paint. Honestly, not my best work. I was just bored.”

Sephiroth-U sighed as though this was a conversation he had had many times. “Keep the spray paint away from the Troubleshooter in all his incarnations and you may use the back exit.” There was a beep and a whir, then the footsteps disappeared. “Apologies. Zack-B has a slight addiction to vandalism. Never accept anything he gives you; it was most certainly used in a crime.”

After a few more minutes, Cloud-R heard Sephiroth-U get up and walk out from behind his desk. There was some shuffling about, then something fell on his chest.

“Time to rise from the dead, Cloud-R-NBL-2. Get your gear on, and remember, no executions without permission.”

Cloud-R opened his eyes to see the High Programmer looking down at him. His eyes were green. They were very pretty. He glanced down at his chest and saw his utility belt, PDC, and laser pistol. Reluctantly, he pushed himself to his feet. As he was fastening his utility belt, there was a banging on the door. 

“Sir! We are in pursuit of a potential traitor. Permission to open the door.”

Sephiroth-U leaned against his desk. “Permission granted.”

The door burst open and several of the IntSec Blues flooded through it. In the blink of an eye, the head of the first one through was rolling across the floor. In Sephiroth-U’s hand was an insanely long force sword that was humming with energy. 

“I didn’t give you permission to enter,” he stated calmly. The rest of the squad scrambled to get back through the door. Cloud-R desperately wanted to join them. “Wait. Take care of these bodies.” He waved his hand towards the recently beheaded Blue and Cloud-R’s own corpse. 

“Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Should I send in a scrub-bot?”

“Do you think I would like my office decorated in blood?”

Judging by the woman’s expression, it seemed that she was having as equally a difficult time as he was in coming up with the correct answer. “No?” she eventually said.

“Then you should probably send in a scrub-bot.”

Sephiroth-U sat behind his desk with his hands folded while the Blues carried the bodies out. The beheaded Blue’s new clone arrived in time to retrieve at least some of his belongings before the others got to them. It was slightly bittersweet to see his first clone go. On the one hand, losing the first was something of a rite of passage. Troubleshooters still on their first were often mocked for cowardice—like Zack-B had said. On the other hand, what a way to go. He had hoped to go down doing something heroic and maybe earn a commendation for it. Instead he had just splattered his brains all over an Ultraviolet’s office for apparently no reason.

The Ultraviolet remained still and silent when the scrub-bot rolled in and began to go at the blood stains. As it worked, it informed them of useful pieces of wisdom such as, “Poor hygiene leads to mutation,” “Clean minds in clean bodies are fun!” and, “A bleach pill a day keeps the doctor away!”

It was obviously an old model. The bleach pills had been discontinued due to the near 100% rate of fatal side effects in the sector they had been tested in. Not that Cloud-R had heard that rumour. If he had, it was probably anti-hygiene propaganda.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Sephiroth-U said once the scrub-bot had gone, leaving the office pink, bubbly, and smelling of chemicals. “The bot had a hidden mic.”

Cloud-R bobbed his head, thinking that seemed reasonable. Hidden mics were everywhere. How else would The Computer keep proper tabs on them?

“Now, I want you to stand at attention in front of my desk. I’m going to give some orders. Say ‘yes, sir’ and ‘no, sir’ at appropriate moments. Understood?”

“Orders, sir?” 

“Yes. I’ll explain your real mission after.”

Though he was thoroughly confused, Cloud-R stood to attention and shouted the appropriate responses to what Sephiroth-U was saying. It was like he was reading off a list of past missions. Investigate crazed junior citizens on a murderous rampage in the crèches!? He even yelled a few things about screwups and missing equipment. Cloud-R just shrugged internally and came up with excuses or shifted the blame to imaginary team members.

Finally, Sephiroth-U reached over and pressed a button on his keyboard. “Good. That should be plenty of stock footage for now.” He glanced up and seemed to notice Cloud-R’s confusion. “Allow me to explain. The cameras in here don’t work. Every once in a while, I play some clips so The Computer doesn’t get too suspicious. It’s annoying when it tries to fix them.”

“I see, sir.”

Sephiroth-U just waved his hand dismissively. “It’s okay that you don’t. Relax, by the way. No need to call me sir. Now, for the real reason I called you here.”

“You called me? Not The Computer?” Troubleshooters worked directly for The Computer, even if they got their orders from someone else. Didn’t they?

“No. The Computer thinks you’re …” He leaned in to look at his computer screen. “Ah, yes, in PLC dealing with the pacifist warbots.”

“But I already did that!”

“Yes, and you did a fine job of it, as well. I deleted the information from The Computer’s databanks and am currently feeding it back to it as if it’s happening in real time. The Computer doesn’t know you’re here.”

“May I sit down, sir?” His legs felt like they might give out. This was sounding awfully treasonous—far more so than his usual levels of treason—and Cloud-R couldn’t think what he should do. If the cameras in this room truly weren’t working, there was no evidence of Sephiroth-U’s treason. It would be his word against an Ultraviolet’s. 

“Go ahead.”

Cloud-R sat on the floor with his legs crossed. It was then that he noticed that the barrel was missing from his laser pistol.

Sephiroth-U clearly noticed his expression, and held up a red barrel. “Just a precaution until I’m certain you’re not going to shoot yourself again. Or me. That’s not as big of a deal, but I’d still rather you not. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out.”

Seeing no other choice, Cloud-R nodded.

“Cloud-R-NBL-2, I’m not telling you to commit treason against The Computer.”

There was an implied ‘yet’ to that statement. 

“I understand that you _want_ to be loyal, but you’re neither stupid, nor amoral, and you’re aware, at least peripherally, of many of the problems here in Shinra Complex. Why _should_ the Infrareds starve because of a system error when there’s perfectly good food for them to eat?”

Cloud-R sat in stunned silence for a moment. Not only was he shocked that his conversation with Tifa-R had been overheard—the cafeteria was always so noisy that it was near impossible to pick up individual communications—he was _certain_ that he hadn’t said that out loud. “Because the food available is above their clearance level, sir.”

“Is that right?”

No. It wasn’t. Infrareds didn’t deserve to starve any more than anyone else. 

“I don’t think so, either. And yes, my registered mutation is telepathy.”

Wait, why specify _registered_? His yellow belt made it obvious that his mutation was registered. Unless …

Sephiroth-U held his index finger to his lips. “Like I said, you’re not stupid. Okay, I’ll get out of your head.”

A presence he hadn’t he even realized was there suddenly disappeared. “How long have you been—?” Cloud-R felt his face turn bright red at the things Sephiroth-U might have heard him think. 

“Don’t worry, I only popped in on occasion while I was determining whether or not you were up to the task I have for you.”

“And I am?”

“I think so. I particularly liked your handling of the vending machine issue. You tried to use the proper channels, and when that didn’t work, you enlisted help, and when you realized that the Tech was just trying to get out of work, you used an appropriate level of force to get the job done. Speaking of which.” Sephiroth-U opened a drawer and pulled out a red packet that he tossed to Cloud-R.

It landed in his lap. Cruncheetym Algae Snacks. Unopened. Was this a bribe?

“Go on. You can eat while we talk. I know you’ve been craving them.”

Cloud-R was not above bribery when it came to Cruncheetyms. He tore open the packet and inhaled the glorious scent of fresh, crisp algae. The first bite of delicious, crunchy wafer was heaven.

“I need your help to find my friends.”

“Your friends?” Cloud-R asked while he crunched.

“Yes. The two Violets under my command. Genesis-V-BNR-5 disappeared nearly three monthcycles ago, and Angeal-V-BNR-3 has been missing for two weekcycles. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there is a certain … animosity between myself, the High Programmer in charge of the Armed Forces, and the one in charge of the Citizen Genetics and Cloning division of the R&D service group.”

“No, sir. I don’t know anything about the High Programmers. Except the white thing. Oh, and I guess the rumour that you know programming is true.” In for a penny, in for a pound, Cloud-R supposed. Sephiroth-U came across like he was being honest, and so he figured he should be too. It wasn’t like he couldn’t read his mind, and it wasn’t as though he hadn’t already committed a dozen or more offenses deserving of execution and permanent deletion of his remaining family unit already. What were a few more? At least the Cruncheetyms were good.

“Right. Well, to put it mildly, we don’t have a good relationship. The High Programmer in question is a man named Hojo-U. I suspect a great number of things about him, not least of which include killing his rival and terminating his clone-line, using my genetic code to create a clone army loyal only to him, plotting to overthrow The Computer, and kidnapping my friends to experiment on. The kidnapping is what I take the most issue with.”

Cloud-R frowned for a moment. “Why would he use your genetic code?” he asked. “I mean, you’re a mutant. No offense. Wouldn’t he want someone who’s not a mutant?”

Sephiroth-U shook his head. “As much as The Computer hates to admit it, mutants are powerful. Are we not?”

Fire blossomed in Cloud-R’s cheeks. His mutation wasn’t in the least bit powerful! Did Sephiroth-U know about it?

“It’s why The Computer absolves mutants who register their crimes. It wants our powers, even though it fears them. And as you guessed, telepathy isn’t my only power.”

Putting aside that confirmation, Cloud-R asked, “So, you want your friends back?”

“To begin with.”

“But why?”

“Because they’re my friends. You have one, don’t you? Friends are important. People you can trust are important. We can’t get far in this world if we don’t have at least a few people we can trust.”

In that moment, a strange feeling passed over Cloud-R. It went against everything he had been raised to believe. The hugbot in his crèche had taught him to only trust The Computer, and yet … he wanted to trust people. Day in and day out, he saw people turning on each other. He did the same. But it hurt. He wanted to trust, and he wanted to be trustworthy, at least if the person deserved it. Sephiroth-U had put himself out there. He was trusting Cloud-R, and hoping for the same in return.

“Okay, but …”

“But?”

“I don’t understand why you’re telling me this. It’s not like I can help. You can do anything I can, and far, far more.”

“That’s not true. Hojo manipulated The Computer into forbidding me from investigating their disappearances, and I will most certainly be noticed and reported if I continue to do so. You, however, can move about inconspicuously. I also mean no offense, but nobody pays attention to the comings and goings of a Red clearance Troubleshooter.”

That did actually sting a bit, but in his heart, Cloud-R knew it was true. “So what do I need to do?”

“Come up with a way to get me into Mako Reactor 5 without being noticed by anyone else. There's supposed to be a secret laboratory in there, and I want to investigate it. I can keep you off The Computer’s radar and get you any equipment or authorizations you need.”

“Can you program my ID card to say I’m with Power Services?”

“Of course.”

“Then, no problem.”

“Really?”

Cloud-R just shook his head and dumped the last of the algae snacks into his mouth. “And here I thought this mission was going to be hard. How tall are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is absolute murder on my autocorrect. My iPad will never be the same.


	3. Loyal Citizens Don't Inspect the Box

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a bit early because it's my birthday and I'm going to the Outdoors! To meet with HUMANS! Madness! Is that even legal? (It is here.)

Three hours later, after a long planning session and a quick break for lunch, Cloud strolled into Production, Logistics, and Commissary and slapped his equipment list down in front of … Gareth-O-LIN-1. Cloud thought back to what Zack-B had said and decided that cowardice definitely fit this guy.

“I’m going to need this gear ASAP,” he said, taking on the obnoxious tone of superiority that so many of his, well, superiors used.

“Back of the line, Troubleshooter.”

“Check again, desk jockey.” Cloud-R tapped his finger over the blue ink of the digisignature at the bottom that said the order was from Zack-B.

Gareth-O paled. “Y-y-y-yes, sir,” he stammered. 

Rolling his eyes, Cloud-R wondered what his reaction would have been if Sephiroth-U had attached his own signature. Probably better than his own had been, if he were being honest with himself. He made a conscious effort to stop being so judgmental. Not the easiest thing. After a life of being downtrodden, it was hard to resist doing the trodding now that he suddenly had so much power by proxy. “Just get me the gear, would you? Don’t keep him waiting.”

“Of course. A crate to these specifications might take a bit of time …”

“Just do your best. The most important thing is that it’s big enough. And he needs a levicart for it.” 

He couldn’t wait to get his hands on the force sword Sephiroth-U had requested for him. “When a force sword fails, you still have a sword,” he had said as he handed back the barrel for his pistol. “When a laser gun fails, you have a piece of plastic.”

Cloud-R munched on the second bag of Cruncheetyms Sephiroth-U had given him while he waited. Where had he even gotten them? As far as he knew, the vending machine in his housing unit was the only place to get them at Red clearance level. Cloud-R’s eyes narrowed in suspicion as a thought occurred to him. What if Sephiroth-U had broken the vending machine on purpose in order to make him more susceptible to bribery? The man could read his mind. He would have known how far Cloud-R was willing to go for them.

He snorted. Now he was just being paranoid. Sephiroth-U could probably just stroll into Food Production and demand a crate of the things in whatever clearance level he wanted. And honestly, he wouldn’t actually do anything too treasonous just for some algae snacks. Especially since the machine would be fixed soon. He was just helping Sephiroth-U find his friends. It was a nice thing to do.

“Order up for Cloud-R-NBL-2,” someone shouted in a booming voice. Cloud-R hopped up to see a man with huge muscles in orange coveralls pushing a loaded levicart out. 

Beautiful. The crate was probably big enough. The equipment he had requested looked to be all there. The force sword … Cloud-R picked it up and gave it a swing. It was nearly as big as Zack-B’s, but not too heavy.

“Hey! Watch where you’re swinging that thing, jackass!” The Orange gave him an angry shove and Cloud-R sheepishly put the sword down. “You volunteered to test R&D’s new and improved Combat-Hi Chew. Be prepared to give a report on its effectiveness.” A small packet was shoved into his hands. “And Tifa-R said you’d be happy to help out with this.” 

As the man dumped a small black satchel on top of the crate and flashed him the Avalanche sign, Cloud-R’s heart sank. His PDC beeped, and he looked down at the message.

Heard you have a mission in one of the reactors. Do me a solid and blow it up, okay? It’s for the good of the planet :) Barret-O will give you what you need.

Well. There was the favour. Damnit! He’d never get away with it while an Ultraviolet was watching. There was nothing for it, however. Avalanche had taken him in when he was fresh out of the crèche and totally ignorant in the ways of the world. They had made sure he didn’t starve when he was an Infrared, and had helped him with information and equipment for his Troubleshooter missions. They believed that mako energy was killing the planet and that was the reason they were all living in Shinra Complex in the first place, not Communists, and who was he to argue? Even without Tifa-R’s favour, he owed them.

“I’m always happy to help.” Cloud-R bumped his fist to the other man’s when he offered it, then pressed the button on the levicart and began trudging back to the Transtube platform. How in the blue screen was he going to pull this off?

***

Sephiroth-U was waiting in the room he had instructed Cloud-R to meet him in, pacing back and forth like he was nervous. Imagine that. A nervous Ultraviolet.

“Did you get everything?” he asked immediately.

“I think so. Even the force sword!” Cloud-R held it up to show him. 

“Hmm, not bad,” Sephiroth-U said as he inspected it. “They must have thought it was for Zack-B. It will glow blue when the laser’s turned on, so use some discretion with it. Know how to use it?” 

“Not remotely.”

“It’s fairly simple. Stab, slash. The sharp bits are sharp. Don’t touch them. Press this button to activate the laser edge. It will deflect most laser blasts, which is why the wide blade is nice. You can use it as a bit of a shield.”

“Cool.” That was by far the most in-depth explanation on how to use a piece of equipment he had ever received.

“Take a few swings with it while I work on decorating this guy.” Sephiroth-U patted the crate. While Cloud-R swung his new toy around like a madman, the Ultraviolet sat down on the floor, set out the pots of paint Cloud-R had requisitioned, and began painting every warning sign he knew of on the crate. “What do you think?” he asked after half an hour.

Cloud-R gave an impressed nod. “I wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole.”

“Perfect.” Sephiroth-U pushed himself to his feet. “I’ve sent you a map showing how to get there, and another for in the reactor itself.” He helped Cloud put on the magnetic harness that would hold his sword while he spoke. “Your ID is updated with all the necessary accesses. And here. In case you get hungry later.”

Cloud-R took the package he was handed. It was wrapped in thin, clear plastic, and inside there was a soft, slightly squishy square. “It’s food?”

“It’s called a sandwich. P-nut butter and grapespread filling. It’s only Green clearance level, but still, keep it out of sight.”

Right. Highly illegal, contraband food. Cloud-R couldn’t wait to try it. “Thanks, sir!” He slipped it into the protective pouch on his utility belt, shoving the tube of Cold Fun he had taken for a snack to the side. His fingers paused on it. Maybe Sephiroth-U would find it an amusing novelty.

He pulled out the tube and held it out. “In case you get hungry in the crate?”

Sephiroth-U looked at the Cold Fun as though it had just crawled out of the septic system for a moment, then his expression softened. He took it, holding it gingerly between his index finger and thumb like it might explode at any second. “Thank you.”

“Let’s get you loaded up, then!” He pried open the crate, and Sephiroth-U didn’t hesitate to climb in and lie down. His force sword barely fit when he laid it across himself at an angle. “Comfortable?”

“Not remotely.”

“Your friends are going to owe you a big favour when you find them. Okay, I’m going to shut it.”

“Wait, come here for a second first.” Sephiroth-U reached out and placed his cool hands on the sides of Cloud-R’s head. He held still, wondering what the man was doing, then started back when he heard a voice in his head. _Can you hear me?_

“Holy code! What was—oh, telepathy.”

_Try thinking something to me._

_Umm, like what?_

_That’ll do._ “My power has been temporarily shared with you. I’m not sure how long you’ll have it, but it will hopefully last until we get into the reactor. Unless you know?”

Cloud-R gave his head a surprised shake. Why on earth would he know that?

“I guess we'll find out. Go ahead and shut it now.”

Feeling slightly shaken—telepathy was a far more treasonous mutation than what he was used to—Cloud-R lifted the lid back onto the crate and fastened down three of the corners. The fourth, he left wedged open slightly for air. The levicart groaned a bit under Sephiroth-U’s added weight when he activated it, but the motor held up, for the time being, at least. He pulled up the first map Sephiroth-U had sent him and headed out, following the route that was marked with a red line.

_Why is it so meandering? Wouldn’t it be faster to go straight through this section?_ he asked. Asking questions went against every self-preservation instinct he had developed, but it seemed like Sephiroth-U didn’t mind explaining things. Even if he did, it wasn’t like he was going to hop out of the crate and send him to scrub the latrines as punishment. At least not right now.

_Keeping you off camera as much as possible. There are a few places where it can’t be helped, but just keep your head down. If this goes badly, I don’t want to have to go to too much trouble to clear your name._

_You’d clear my name?_

_Yes._

Well, that was something. He almost wanted it to go badly just to see if Sephiroth-U actually meant it. Almost. He got some looks as he pushed the crate through the halls, but no one bothered him—the danger symbols appeared to be effective. He did overhear a few Yellows laughing about how it must suck to be a Red and get all the shitty jobs. Cloud-R simply did his best to look hard-done-by. It wasn’t difficult. The levicart definitely wasn’t fully functional and Sephiroth-U wasn’t light.

Cloud-R held his breath at the reactor entrance. It was guarded by a dozen warbots and twice as many human guards. He kept his eyes down while the Yellow in charge inspected his ID and paperwork, hoping that whatever Sephiroth-U had done stood up to scrutiny.

“Parts delivery?” the Yellow said distrustfully. “Didn’t hear nothing ‘bout no parts delivery.”

He shrugged. “Just following orders, sir. I was told that some anti-mako power secret society sabotaged some vital components and if they’re not replaced, the whole thing might blow. You can bother Zack-B-GGA-4 about it if you feel like you need to confirm.” It had seemed like Zack-B was at least partially in on the plan, so Cloud-R felt it might be okay to drop his name.

The Yellow paled at the thought of bothering a Blue. “No need, no need. I just need to check the contents.”

“Sure, no problem. Just let me …”

_What are you doing?_ Sephiroth-U’s voice hissed in his head as Cloud backed away from the crate.

_When’s the last time you bluffed your way past someone who outranked you?_

_Well, never, but …_

_Then shut up and stop distracting me._

“Why’re you over there?” the Yellow asked.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s fine, but my orders did say to not open it under any circumstances unless everyone in the area was in full hazmat gear. But that’s probably just for the lower clearances. I mean, you took your radiation neutralizers this morning, right?” Cloud kept backing up while he spoke until he was shouting in order to be heard. “Sorry, I’m just going to duck around here. Don’t want to risk any mutations.”

“Get back here and get this thing out of here, Red!”

“Sir, yes, sir! Right away!” Cloud-R jogged back to the levicart and beamed internally as he pushed it through the newly opened security gates. “The Computer appreciates your dedication to safety.”

_Sorry for doubting you._

_Just have some faith in the little guy sometimes._

Announcements played on a seemingly unending loop as he followed the route Sephiroth-U wanted him to take that led him deep into the reactor, reminding him that happy workers are productive workers and to report any suspicious activity. He pondered how he could plant the bomb Barret-O had given him, and decided it was impossible. Even if he did manage it, Sephiroth-U would suspect him. But he couldn’t just ignore Avalanche! His stomach twisted into knots. This was terrible!

He was nothing more than a blob of misery by the time he arrived at the point Sephiroth-U had indicated on his map. There was no one else around, and he couldn’t see any surveillance cameras. The levicart gave a pitiful whine when he turned it off.

_We’re here. I think it’s safe. Do you want me to open the crate?_

“Go ahead,” Sephiroth-U said out loud. It was quick work to pry the top off again, and he hopped out, looking slightly less intimidating than he previously had thanks to the tube of Cold Fun in his mouth. “This is disgusting, by the way. Are you supposed to eat it like this? Just squeeze it into your mouth?”

“Yeah. It’s supposed to be fun. Food in a tube.” Cloud supposed it came as no surprise that an Ultraviolet thought the lower clearances’ food was disgusting. It was a well-known fact that they only ate real food. “You don’t have to eat it.”

Sephiroth-U scoffed as he began looking around the area they were in while Cloud hid the levicart and crate as best he could. “I’ll finish it. I’m no coward. But promise you’ll get me another tube so I can make Zack-B eat it. He deserves to suffer a bit for all the cleaning up after him that I do.”

“Cleaning up?”

“He’s one of the higher ranked members of the Death Leopard secret society. Causing chaos and destruction is their way of life, and I keep Zack-B from getting executed for it too frequently. It’s annoying, but he’s a good soldier and Angeal-V’s protégé. Ah, here.” There was a clonking sound from the wall that Sephiroth-U was inspecting, then a door Cloud-R hadn’t noticed swung open. Beyond it was a long stairwell going down. It was solid white.

“I’ll just wait here, then, shall I?” It was perfect; he could set the bomb while he waited and Sephiroth-U would never know.

“No. We’ll go together. It’s fine if I’m accompanying you.”

Damnit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gareth-O-LIN-1 is, as Cloud suspected, a huge coward. He became even more of one after being promoted to Orange clearance level and realizing that, with each clone, his golf game would only get worse.


	4. Cockroaches, PB&G, and Bombs. Oh my.

It took quite some time for Cloud-R to figure out just what felt so off as he followed Sephiroth-U down the long staircase that was most certainly taking them deep underground, then down an equally long hallway with no doors or side passages. It took so long, he decided later, because it was just so _extreme_ in how unnatural and wrong it was that his brain simply couldn’t cope and wisely chose not to process it. When it finally dawned on him, he stumbled and had to cling to the wall to keep from falling.

“Are you okay?” Sephiroth-U turned to him with a look of concern.

“It’s not here,” he gasped. Looking at his PDC, his heart sank and his head span when he realized that it wasn’t getting a signal. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t contact his Friend.

“What—oh shit, you’ve never been outside The Computer’s area of influence, have you?” 

Cloud-R slid down the wall, and Sephiroth-U was suddenly at his side, slowing his descent. The announcements had faded away at some point. There were no friendly monitors with friendly messages on the walls. No cameras. No microphones. No IntSec guards watching his every move. There … there was no colour code in this corridor! It was just ambiguous concrete and metal! When had the white stopped? 

“Listen to me. Cloud, listen to me.” Sephiroth-U held his face in both of his hands and made him look into his eyes. “The Computer is still there. It will be there when we leave this area. Everything is fine.”

“It’s not, it’s not,” he stammered. “I—how do—”

“Shh. This happens a lot when Army guys go Outdoors for the first time. At least you still have a ceiling. I want you to close your eyes and imagine that you’re being watched. Picture the cameras. Do you see them all along the hall?”

Cloud-R did as he was told. With his eyes closed, it was impossible to imagine a hallway _without_ cameras. While he did know that they often didn’t work, their mere presence was comforting. His panicked gasping slowed a bit.

“Good. The Computer is always watching. It keeps you safe from the Communists and the mutants, doesn’t it?”

“It does. The Computer only wants what’s best for us.”

“That’s right. We’re just a little bit beyond its reach right now, so you need to be brave and keep it together to complete the mission. We’ll be back soon enough.”

“Yeah.” Cloud-R sucked in a deep breath. It was okay. The Computer was still there. It couldn’t just _not_ exist. That was impossible. “Wait.” As his panic faded, his brain caught up with something Sephiroth-U had said. “There’s no ceiling in the Outdoors!?”

“Nope. No walls, either.”

Oddly enough, the sheer horror of the concept of no ceiling or walls helped calm him further. There was a ceiling here. It was nice and low and made him feel safe. “If there’s no ceiling, what is there?” It couldn’t just be nothing, could it?

Sephiroth-U eased him up and got him walking again, but held his hand as they continued down the corridor. It was a strangely comforting gesture.

“There’s something called the Sky. According to Old Reckoning texts, the Sky functions somewhat like a ceiling, keeping the air in so we can breathe. It’s just very, very high up.”

“What does it look like?”

Sephiroth-U seemed to understand that the questions were helping him stay calm, and he answered them easily. It was impossible to picture the strange thing that was mostly blue but could change colours and had floating puffs of water that were also called Cloud, but it still helped. It seemed like something out a storybook. 

“Are trees real?”

“I see you’ve read the Suzuki Club’s latest literature. Yes, trees are real. As are many of the other things they write about.”

“I always thought they had to be making that stuff up. You read it too?”

“Every issue.” The corridor abruptly ended in a locked door, and Sephiroth-U continued to speak while he attempted to get it unlocked. “The primary writer is a close friend of Zack-B’s. I will forever be in her debt for the joy the cockroach issue brought into my life.” The panel next to the door stayed lit up with a red X, and Sephiroth-U banged on it a few times before punching in another code. “Do you remember the illustration in it?”

“Yeah, it was really cool.”

“Zack was tasked with holding the live sample while his friend drew. Commander of the Vulture Squadron, one of the best and the bravest in the Armed Forces, and willing to risk execution just to vandalise some property or cause a disturbance. A harmless cockroach made him cry. Funniest shit I have ever seen.”

Cloud-R stifled a giggle. “He was scared of it?”

“Terrified.”

“But the illustration said it was a one to one scale. How could it be scary?”

“I have no idea. Come on, you hugbot fucker. Open.”

That was an odd curse if he had ever heard one. “Well, I guess I did just panic about being away from The Computer,” Cloud-R admitted sheepishly. He was hardly in a position to judge.

“That’s a perfectly normal fear. I haven’t been under active surveillance in years and I still panic about it sometimes. Ah, fuck it. I can’t get this open, so we’ll do it the Zack-B way to make up for laughing at him. Care to do the honours?”

“The Zack-B way?”

Sephiroth-U reached out and tapped the hilt of his new sword. “Force blades are actually really useful.”

“Cut it open?”

“Sure. You need some practice actually hitting something with it. Get a feel for what it’s like to use.”

Cloud-R drew a nervous breath and pulled out his sword, pressing the button Sephiroth-U had pointed out before. It hummed with life, and he could see the energy flickering along the edge. “This is an order?” he asked, needing the confirmation that he could potentially be absolved of blame for the damage.

“Yes. Just take a few swings around the frame.”

Sparks flew when Cloud-R swung the blade downwards. It slid easily through the metal, the force part of the sword making up for the lack of any real skill or strength. He cut through both sides, but the slice through the top was significantly lower than the actual height of the door. “Should’ve picked someone taller,” he muttered.

“I can duck.” Sephiroth-U stepped forwards and raised his leg, sending the makeshift door flying with the impact of his booted foot. The remains of the top section of the door fell to the ground with a clang. “So, what are you hiding, Hojo?”

They found themselves in a strangely clinical room, with what looked like clone incubators lining the edges of two walls and exam tables in the centre. There were no clones in the incubators waiting to be installed with their previous clone’s memories and MemoMaxed to where they were supposed to be, however. Sephiroth-U found them extremely interesting, along with the files and journals he discovered in a desk. Cloud-R pulled out his sandwich while he waited. Now was probably as good a time as any for a snack.

The sandwich was made of two layers of the soft shell. Grapespread, as he had seen on a few episodes of Teela-O-MLY, was usually a violet colour. As this sandwich was Green clearance level, it looked as though green dye had been added to the spread. It wasn’t the most appealing thing he had seen, but it smelled amazing. He was tempted to use his finger to try some of the p-nut butter and grapespread separately, but feared that Sephiroth-U would think him an uncouth savage. The man wasn’t so wrapped up in the documents he was reading that he wasn’t paying any attention to him.

Somewhat reluctantly, he closed the sandwich back up and took a bite.

Cloud-R-NBL-2 died. He must have. His third clone would be popping in at any moment to take over. For the second time that day, he slid down the wall, completely overwhelmed.

“You look like you just gave a genetic sample. Good?”

“So good,” he mumbled around his mouthful of food. Sweet and a little bit salty with a tang of something he couldn’t recognize. The shell tasted as soft as it felt, and it moderated the flavours of the p-nut butter and grapespread so they weren’t overwhelming. He was never swallowing. Compared to the sandwich, his beloved Cruncheetyms tasted like the bottom of his boot. His eyes fluttered open long enough to see Sephiroth-U looking at him with a slightly awkward expression. “I’m sorry, I—” 

“No, please, enjoy it. I just thought I’d grab you a treat you might not have had before. I didn’t realize it would be so different to what you’re used to.” Pink tinted his cheeks, and he looked away. “I would have gotten you something better if I’d known how bad that Fun shit is.”

Cloud-R scoffed after finally allowing himself to swallow his first bite. He couldn’t let the rest of the sandwich go to waste, after all. “There’s nothing better than this.”

“You thought that about Cruncheetyms.”

A lone tear trickled down Cloud-R’s cheek. “How will I ever eat again?”

Sephiroth-U looked back at him with a worried expression. “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “No. Just tasting this once. It’s enough. I’ll die happy.”

“Hmm, well, I’m glad you like it.” Sephiroth-U turned back to the papers he was going through while Cloud-R continued to savour every tiny bite of his sandwich for as long as possible. 

He was nearing the last corner when Sephiroth-U suddenly swore and starting typing on his PDC. “Everything okay, sir?”

“I think I found something. It seems like this lab was used for Hojo’s initial experiments, but when he started getting successful results, he moved the clones to a safer location. This journal mentions a secure storage facility dating back to the Old Reckoning in the Outdoors, and this file has orders for cloning supplies to be sent to a set of coordinates.”

“You think that’s where they might be?”

Sephiroth-U grunted in affirmation and showed Cloud-R the screen of his PDC. He had pulled up a map and marked a point on it. “Those are the coordinates. Army rarely goes out that far, so we’d be unlikely to stumble across it. And it would be easy enough to order some Infrareds to take the supplies out. I wouldn’t put it past him to kill off up to the fifth clone first, then the last could be killed at the site after delivering the supplies, leaving no risk of word getting out.”

The final, tiny bite of sandwich nearly dropped from Cloud-R’s hand. “That’s horrible.”

“It’s a depressingly common method that a lot of the Ultraviolets will use to cover up their tracks.” 

Was that going to be his fate? Was Sephiroth-U just trying to lull him into a false sense of security by being kind? Suddenly, the sandwich didn’t seem so appealing.

Sephiroth-U began to pack away a few of the files into the small bag he carried. “Can you—Cloud-R? Are you okay?”

“Yes, sir,” he said with a resigned sigh. It wasn’t like he could do anything to save himself. He shoved the last bite into his mouth and pushed himself to his feet. He’d said he would die happy after eating it, after all. 

“Hey.” Sephiroth-U walked over and lifted his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes again. “I’m not going to kill you. I like you, Number Two. I would have liked Number One. I don’t want to meet Number Three.”

“He’d be the exact same as me.”

“No. Not the exact same. There are always some tiny differences. A small quirk, or a missing or altered memory here and there. I’ve lost enough clones to notice.”

“You’ve lost … but your nameplate said Sephiroth-U-JNV-2.”

Sephiroth-U nodded. “Every time I go through the standard six, the count resets.”

“Oh.” Cloud-R was dying to ask more about that, but Sephiroth-U let go of his chin and squeezed his shoulder instead.

“So, awkward question, but can I use that bomb you’re carrying?”

The blood drained from his face. Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit!_ Of _course_ he knew! The man was a flipping _telepath!_

“You’re supposed to set it off in the reactor, right? If my calculations are correct, we’re pretty much underneath the reactor core. If we set it up in here, it should cause a chain reaction that will do some damage to the core as well. I don’t want Hojo to be able to use this place again.”

“You’re really not going to kill me when you’re finished with me?”

“I’m really not. And I’m not going to turn you in, either. The reactors _are_ killing the planet, so let’s kill two birds with one stone.”

“What’s a bird?”

Sephiroth-U laughed. “This is why I like you, Cloud-R. Birds are from the Outdoors. Want to see one?”

“I can go with you?” When Sephiroth-U nodded, he swung the satchel off his shoulder and handed it over. In for a pound, in for a … more than a pound. Where did that saying come from anyway? Despite how nerve-wracking it was, this mission was turning out to be far more enjoyable than he could have ever hoped. The company definitely helped. He didn’t want to go back to his dreary life just yet.

It didn’t take long for Sephiroth-U—who seemed to actually know something about explosives—to set up the bomb in a carefully selected spot and turn on the timer. “Thirty minutes should be enough. We shouldn’t need to be too far away from the centre to be safe. It’s a fairly small charge. Set the timer on your PDC.”

Cloud-R did some mental calculations. If they took the corridor back to where they had left the crate at a jog, that would give them a bit of time to spare if there were issues with getting past security again. He started the countdown a few seconds before Sephiroth-U started the one on the bomb, then the man grabbed his hand and they ran down the corridor together. He had to take it slower on the stairs, but they made it up with just under twenty minutes left on the timer. They weren’t even too out of breath, and Sephiroth-U quickly pulled the crate out of its hiding spot and hopped in. He made quick work of the lid, barely sealing it, then the levicart groaned back to life.

Out in the main area, Cloud-R felt a slight twang of guilt when he saw the workers going about their business. He hoped that if the explosion was big, none of them were on their last clones. And that the new clones would be diverted to a safer area. That was usually how it worked, but sometimes there were system errors.

Despite not wanting to be seen leaving the scene of a soon-to-be crime, Cloud-R couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of relief now that he was back under the watchful eye of The Computer. Even the IntSec guards he passed felt like safety, rather than an annoyance. At least until the levicart’s motor clunked, sputtered, clunked again, then passed into silence with a pitiful whine. 

The crate fell to the floor with a resounding thud.

“What do you have there, Troubleshooter?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! I hope you have a good one.


	5. Experimental Drugs Are Good for You

The lid of the crate burst off, managing to hit the guard who had approached in the chest and send him staggering back. “No time!” Sephiroth-U shouted as he sprang up, force sword in his left hand and grabbing Cloud-R’s with the other. 

At the sight of an armed Ultraviolet dragging a shocked Red along behind him, the IntSec guard just stared stupidly. 

“They’ll get over their shock and realize that we’re doing something we shouldn’t be soon enough. Keep your sword on your back to block lasers. I’ll guard your front.” Sephiroth-U dragged his hand over so he could press some buttons on his PDC without letting go.

Cloud-R’s brain managed to catch up with what they were doing and he began running on his own accord just as an alarm blared. 

“Security breach in—” 

There was a screeching sound that overpowered the alarm for a second before fading out. “Hello, hello? Did that work? Hey! It fucking worked, man!”

Cloud-R looked up at the nearest speaker in shock. Was that a person!?

“Woo! Security breach in the fucking broadcast room, bitches! Death Leopards rule! Take that, you Computer loving shit stains, ‘cause that’s what’s gonna be all over your precious Computer!”

“Thank you, Zack,” Sephiroth-U muttered as they listened to some angry shouts and lasers blasts interspersed with screams about Death Leopards being the best issuing from the speakers. “Not quite the distraction I had imagined, but he has always been quite creative.”

“You planned …”

“Of course. Zack’s been on standby since we started. Things never go as smoothly as one would hope. He placed Death Leopards all over the complex, waiting for the signal to cause trouble. Hopefully we can disappear in the chaos.”

The broadcast was suddenly cut off, and the alarm continued to blare. Cloud-R’s grip on Sephiroth-U’s hand tightened when a troop of IntSec guards came running around the corner, weapons drawn. Sephiroth-U disappeared in a blink, however, and Cloud-R suddenly found himself facing the guards entirely alone. He drew his sword, vowing to not go down without a fight.

It was incredible how quickly Sephiroth-U could swing his sword. Cloud-R saw the flash of the long force blade with its white laser edge as it cut through the guards like they were nothing before he even noticed Sephiroth-U was there. “Keep running, Cloud!” he shouted. How he had gotten behind the guards was something to ponder in a less life-or-death situation. Cloud-R only felt relief at not being abandoned as he ran through the path the other man cleared. A couple moments later, his hand was grabbed again. He pushed himself beyond his limits to match Sephiroth-U’s long strides.

For some reason, the warbots that were stationed at the entrance to the reactor kept exploding in great fiery blasts one after the other as they approached the security gates. With them out of the way, it almost seemed like they were actually going to make it. That was, until Sephiroth-U picked him up and threw him to the side. 

Cloud-R crashed into a wall and collapsed in a pained heap, wondering what in the code was going on. His blood turned to liquid ice in his veins when he saw the reason for the humiliating toss. A giant warbot, the likes of which Cloud-R had never even imagined existing, fell from the ceiling and landed in front of Sephiroth-U, who didn’t hesitate to begin attacking. The bot looked an awful lot like the picture of the cockroach from the Suzuki Club propaganda, except it had a seventh limb protruding from its back end. The limb that ended in a very sharp looking point was held raised above its back and crackled with electricity. Sephiroth-U dodged nimbly as it stabbed down at him, and he struck at its legs, attempting to disable it.

“Go!” Sephiroth-U shouted. “I’m fine. Get back to my office and lock yourself in. You have access.”

But he wasn’t fine. Cloud-R could tell. It had definitely been Sephiroth-U who had caused the other warbots to explode, and using that sort of mutation would have tired him quickly. With every strike, his movements were growing slower. Reinforcements were coming too. He could see a squadron of IntSec Blues moving in and taking aim with their laser rifles. And a glance down at his PDC made his heart freeze. Where had the time gone?

He had to help. Had to do something. Anything! He patted himself down, searching for anything that might be of use. His hand paused on the lump in his pocket that held the packet from R&D he had been given at PLC. Taking it out, he looked at the label. Combat-Hi Chew. What could go wrong? Realistically, everything, but everything was already going wrong. He didn’t want Sephiroth-U-JNV-2 to die. If what he had said was true, Three would be different, even if he was the same. Cloud-R liked his new friend and didn’t want to lose him. Not without at least trying to help.

The chew tasted like Hot Fun that got too hot and hardened into a firm, burnt paste. He chewed as quickly as he could, then swallowed it down, lamenting the loss of the lingering taste of p-nut butter and grapespread. He drew his sword a second time and turned it on, hoping for something to happen.

The light from the sword drew the attention of the Blues, and several took aim at him. Cloud-R wasn’t quite sure how he got over there, or where all the blood had come from, but he liked it. A roar ripped from his throat and he turned to the next batch of enemies. 

What followed was a blur. The floor ended up slippery with red. That was good. Red was the best colour. At one point, he was high up on an unsteady surface with sparks flying all around him. Then the blade in his hands was gone when he ended up on the ground again, but that didn’t matter. He moved towards the next target, intending to tear it apart with his bare hands. The white shape moved quickly, however, and something hard impacted the side of his head. As the world faded to black, Cloud-R felt himself being lifted up.

***

“Shiiiit … we need him in Death Leopards.”

“Absolutely not. The last thing I need is another person to babysit.”

“But, look at this! I’ve never seen anyone cause so much destruction!”

“He’s a loyal member of Avalanche. Don’t poach him.”

“Yeah, well, word on the street is that Avalanche is pissed. It was a splinter cell working against official orders that gave him the bomb, and even _they_ didn’t want the reactor taken out entirely.”

“That was my miscalculation. He wouldn’t have been able to get it anywhere near the core if I hadn’t interfered.”

“Since when does anyone care about that? They’re pissed, and he’s an easy scapegoat.”

“Then I’ll—” The voice broke off when Cloud-R coughed and rolled over, resulting in a short fall and a painful thump. His throat felt like sandpaper.

“Hey, Cloud. So, on a scale of one to slaughter everything in your path, how homicidal are you feeling?” Cloud-R blinked a few times until he was able to focus on Zack-B’s face peering down at him.

“I … homicidal?” he croaked before coughing again.

Sephiroth-U pushed Zack-B to the side and lifted him up, sitting him upright on the soft thing he had been lying on. It was a couch, he realized, though much more comfortable than any of the couches he was used to. “Go get him some water. Are you okay?”

Cloud-R gave a slow nod. Nothing really hurt except his throat, though every single muscle in his body felt like it was made of putty. When Zack-B returned, Cloud-R gratefully gulped down the water he was given. “What happened?” he asked.

“You went a little bit berserk and took out several IntSec squads, Troubleshooter teams, and a giant guard scorpion.”

“It was fuckin’ impressive, little dude.”

Sephiroth-U glared at Zack-B before continuing. “Did something happen that might have caused it?”

He furrowed his brow as he tried to recall. “You were in trouble. You told me to run, but it looked like you were getting overwhelmed. I … R&D volunteered me for testing a new product, so I thought I might as well try it in case it helped.” He fiddled around in his pocket and pulled out the package that still had two chews remaining.

Sephiroth-U took it and looked it over. “You didn’t know what it would do?”

Cloud-R couldn’t help but laugh. “Of course not. That information is always above my clearance level. I kept getting in trouble every time I asked about R&D experiments, so I stopped asking.”

“They don’t even explain what they _think_ it will do?” 

“I think most of the time, they don’t actually have a clue what might happen,” Zack-B said. “They use the Troubleshooters as guinea pigs.”

Sephiroth-U sighed and handed the chews back before ruffling his hair. “Well, I do appreciate you saving me, and you did, by the way, but I’m going to add experimental drugs to the list of things I’d like you to discuss with me before doing.”

“Am I in trouble?” he asked as Sephiroth-U stood. “I heard you guys talking a bit, and …”

“Yeah, you’ve made IntSec’s most wanted list, congrats!” Zack-B held up his hand for a high-five.

“Most wanted?” 

“Not everyone sees that as an achievement, Zack. I’ll clear your name and protect you until then. Don’t worry. The bomb in the reactor set off a much bigger explosion than I had predicted, and the entire reactor and surrounding area was destroyed. However, that means that everyone who saw us in person died, and since new clones can’t vouch for what their dead clones saw, they’re useless as witnesses. 

“The Computer is still certain that you were in PLC, and the conflicting footage is confusing it and buying us time. I’ll be able to alter its memory without a problem. IntSec can’t touch you without The Computer’s backing. The only issue is Avalanche, who are apparently not pleased that you did what they told you to do. But we’ll sort it out. For now, I’m going to make us some dinner, and then I think you need to rest some more. We’ll leave for the Outdoors first thing in the morning.”

“I can still go?” Cloud-R was certain he’d be pulled off the mission after such an epic failure.

“Of course. I still need your help, and you did exactly what I asked you to. You got me in, and I got the information I was looking for. Getting me out wasn’t part of the deal, and getting caught wasn’t your fault. And besides, with all the chaos, I think there’s a good chance that Hojo won’t realize that I’m on to him. Thank you.”

Cloud-R could only stare stupidly as Sephiroth-U ruffled his hair again and walked away. It wasn’t supposed to matter that the equipment had been faulty. He was the easiest to pin the blame on, so it was his fault. And yet, not only had he not been pulled off the mission and executed for treason, he had been taken somewhere that seemed safe, thanked, and he hadn’t missed that mention of dinner.

“Where am I?” he asked as he looked around. He’d never been in a place like this, and couldn’t even begin to imagine what everything in it was for. It was huge and inefficient-looking. 

“Sephiroth’s house,” Zack-B said. “Okay, so, what do you want in exchange for those chews?”

“What?”

“I _need_ them, Spiky. You were a one-man wrecking crew. Do you want to see the security footage?”

He shook his head. His coveralls were stained all over with blood. That wasn’t what he had wanted. He didn’t want to see what he had done. He was certain that he had turned on Sephiroth-U.

“Leave him alone. You don’t need drugs to be a wrecking crew yourself.” Sephiroth-U returned holding a towel and a crisply folded set of red clothing. “Take a shower. It’s just through there. You’ll feel better after.”

Zack-B sighed and flopped into a comfortable-looking chair. “I really want to try it though. It looked like so much fun.”

Cloud-R took the towel and clothes and followed the direction Sephiroth pointed, finding himself in a private bathroom. He had never seen such luxury before. Even the toilet looked comfortable. The seat was warm when he sat on it, but not awkwardly warm in the way that meant someone else had just gotten off of it. He recognized the shower stall for what it was, but the big basin that looked large enough to hold a person confused him. It was like a sink, but much, much bigger, and he couldn’t begin to fathom what its purpose was. Once he had gotten out of his clothes and into the shower, the taps he found were equally confusing. To start, there was more than one. One of them had blue on it, the other red. Cloud-R shrugged and went for the red one. He wasn’t sure why an Ultraviolet would have a Red clearance tap in his shower, but supposed situations like this must come up every once in a while.

The shower started out nice, but he couldn’t help but let out an ear-piercing shriek when the water suddenly turned scalding hot. He threw himself out of the stall just as Sephiroth-U burst in, holding a large knife and looking panicked.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Hot!” Cloud-R stammered, pointing at the shower that was rapidly steaming up.

Sephiroth-U frowned and put the knife down, then went to test the water. “No wonder. You didn’t turn on the cold tap.”

“I didn’t understand what the different taps were for,” he tried to explain. “Is red not for Red clearance?”

“Ah, no, it’s for hot water. Here, it should be okay now.”

Cloud-R cautiously stuck his hand under the stream when Sephiroth-U stepped back. “It’s still hot,” he murmured in awe.

“Too hot?”

He shook his head. “Our showers are always cold. It’s really okay like this?”

An unreadable expression crossed Sephiroth-U’s face and he nodded. “Take as long as you want, and help yourself to any of the soaps. Just turn both taps to the right when you’re finished.” He took the knife and saw himself out as Cloud-R stepped into the shower. Over the sound of the water, he heard a burst of loud laughter, then Sephiroth-U’s angry voice telling Zack-B to shut up or he wouldn’t eat.

Once he was under the stream again, Cloud-R stood for several long minutes in a daze. What a crazy day. Tifa-R would never believe him if he told her what happened. _He_ barely believed it. And yet here he was, standing in an Ultraviolet’s shower, using shampoo that came from a white bottle and smelled incredible. He sat down and spent several more minutes just smelling the suds in his hair while the hot water beat down on his back. It took his mutation starting to manifest to bring him to his senses. This was neither the time nor the place for that nonsense. He jumped up and rinsed his hair, then scrubbed himself all over, getting rid of the blood, sweat, and grime that had accumulated on him while singing the hygiene song under his breath to make sure he got everywhere. 

It was with great reluctance that he turned the two taps to the right like Sephiroth-U had said to. He knew he’d never get another luxury like that in his lifecycle, no matter how well he did at being a Troubleshooter. It was the promise of dinner that got him moving. He rather doubted Sephiroth-U had any Red clearance food in his home. The clothes he dressed himself in weren’t the usual coveralls, but unarmoured and far softer. More comfortable. He liked them.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, an incredible smell hit his nostrils. What it was, he couldn’t say, but it made his mouth water and his stomach growl.

“Come eat.” Sephiroth-U waved him over to a table where Zack-B was already digging in. 

Real food. It had to be. The table was covered in dishes of _real food_ that he was being invited to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real food!
> 
> I'm really sorry, but updates will probably get switched to every two weeks for the next while. This semester is going about as well as last, which is to say terribly, and I still don't think they're accepting fanfic in lieu of dissertations.


	6. To the Great Outdoors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you pack a towel.

There was no morning greeting from The Computer in Sephiroth-U’s home. Instead, Cloud-R woke to more delicious smells and the sounds of sizzling and chopping from the kitchen. He neatly folded the blankets he had been given and left them in a small stack on the couch. That had been the most comfortable thing he had ever slept on. And to think that Sephiroth-U had apologized for not having a proper bed for him. The disconnect in their lifestyles was becoming more and more apparent.

“Morning,” Sephiroth-U said when he wandered into the kitchen to see if he could help. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yes, really well.”

“Zack-B’s gone to scrounge up some gear and new coveralls for you. For propriety’s sake, it should at least look red. So, have some breakfast while we wait.”

Cloud-R took the plate he was handed and looked at it curiously. A round yellow thing with chunks of other colours folded in half. A pile of something that looked vaguely reminiscent of Fungi Supreme, but less grey and congealed. Red wedges that he highly doubted were Red clearance. Two squares like the shell of yesterday’s sandwich, but instead of soft, they were crispy and brown and spread with something else.

“Need anything to go with it?”

Cloud-R started to shake his head, but a thought occurred to him. “Do you have any Wakey-wakies?”

“Ah, no. Try coffee.” He poured a mug of something that looked like HappyKaff Instant and pushed it over to him. “There’s cream and sugar if you’d like.”

The coffee had a vague similarity in taste to HappyKaff, but didn’t make him feel like he was being eaten from the inside out. Adding a bit of the cream and sugar—he wasn’t sure which was which—helped it taste even better. It was incomparable to the breakfast Sephiroth-U had made, however, and Cloud-R was once again torn between wanting to savour every bite for as long as possible and knowing that if he didn’t eat at a reasonable pace, it would likely get cold and become not as nice. “Do Ultraviolets not have a cafeteria?” he asked.

“We have some restaurants for Indigos and up—like a cafeteria, but nicer. I usually have staff here who cook for me, but I wanted to keep the number of people who know about you at the moment down. I quite enjoy cooking, however, and seeing how much you like my attempts makes it worthwhile.”

“It’s really, really delicious.”

“I’m glad. So.” Sephiroth-U sat down at the table with his own plate and took a bite before continuing. “I understand that you don’t want to see it, and that’s fine, but I was looking at the security footage of the fight yesterday. Did you absorb my teleportation ability on purpose?”

Cloud-R froze with his fork halfway to his mouth. “Your what? I … I’m very sorry, sir. If I did something wrong, it, um … Communists probably—or terrorists, I mean—brain washed—”

Sephiroth-U held up his hands to stop the stream of frantic excuses that for some reason, just weren’t coming to him like they always did. “You’re not in trouble. You don’t actually know about your mutation, do you?”

“I didn’t do anything in your shower, I swear!”

The Ultraviolet just stared in complete confusion for several seconds. “Okay,” he finally said.

“Why … why do you keep talking about my mutation?”

“Because it’s extremely powerful, and based on what I know of Hojo’s experiments, I might need you to use it to help my friends. But I think we’ve got a bit of a misunderstanding going on. What is your mutation?”

Cloud-R had never told anyone about his mutation, and the thought of trying to explain it to someone was profoundly embarrassing. He poked at the yellow thing with his fork, wishing he didn’t blush so easily. “It just relieves stress,” he muttered. “It’s not powerful at all.”

“It relieves stress how?”

What he wouldn’t give to be sitting in the Red cafeteria trying to soften his Nutriblock in a cup of HappyKaff. “It just feels really good when I touch myself sometimes. Down there.” He jerked his head as best he could towards his lap. “Afterwards I feel less stressed.”

Understanding dawned on Sephiroth-U’s face. “Oh. Oh, I see. That … that’s not a mutation. Well, maybe the fact that they don’t work on you is, but the actual … I’m so sorry to have embarrassed you.”

“It’s not a mutation? But nobody else seems to …” He trailed off. Maybe everyone else just hid it too. But if it wasn’t a mutation, why did they need to hide it?

Sephiroth-U reached out and touched his hand, brushing his fingers over the back of it. “It’s related to the way that reproduction worked during Old Reckoning times. That’s unnecessary now, so almost everyone’s food has meds in it to prevent those feelings. It’s distracting and can divide loyalties and cause other problems—it’s usually done with two people, you see. But it seems like maybe the meds don’t work on you.”

“Oh. How do you know about it?” That was a dumb question. Of course an Ultraviolet had the clearance level to know about stuff like Old Reckoning reproduction.

“I need to be able to provide genetic samples for experiments in Citizen Genetics and Cloning, so I’m not given any meds to prevent it. I prefer that method of procurement—life does feel rather less stressful afterwards, doesn’t it?”

He cracked a small smile. “Like taking a CheerUp, only better. Wait! Reproduction is like making new clones, right? Have I made a bunch of clones?”

Sephiroth-U paused to think for a moment. “I’m honestly not entirely sure how exactly it works, but I believe it’s a bit of a process, and that that is only one of the steps.”

“I see.” What a relief. He would have felt badly if he had accidentally abandoned a clone to his fate every time it happened. “But, if that’s not my mutation, then what do you think it is? Do I even have one?”

“You do. You can absorb other people’s mutant powers. I’m surprised you haven’t realized it.”

Cloud-R’s jaw dropped, but Sephiroth-U was distracted by what sounded like a door opening. “We’ll talk more about it later. Finish up your breakfast while I see what Zack managed to find for you.”

A short while later, Cloud-R found himself dressed in a new set of coveralls that seemed better quality than his old ones had been. He also had a large red pack that Sephiroth-U had gone through with a critical eye. He wasn’t sure what, if anything, had replaced the pile of REDdiMeals with Soylent Red that now lay in the middle of the room with the couch. Cloud-R had some confidence that the Ultraviolet didn’t want him to starve, however, when he took into consideration the number of times he had been provided with food so far. By the time he finished with it, the previously impossibly heavy bag had been slimmed down to what Sephiroth-U deemed to be the bare necessities for a trip to the Outdoors of unknown length of time.

“The facility is quite far, and I want to be able to move as quickly as possible without getting overtired,” he had explained, “so we can’t be bogged down with unnecessary equipment.”

Cloud-R’s sword fit to the outside of the pack, and Zack-B helped him get it on.

“Look after him for me, okay?” Zack-B said with a surprisingly serious expression as he adjusted the straps.

“Um, yes, sir.”

Zack-B ran a hand though his hair. “He’s really worried about Genesis and Angeal, but I want someone keeping an eye out for him, too. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” The man cracked a grin at him. “You’re wondering what the definition of stupid is, aren’t you?”

“Little bit.”

“Just do your best to get both of you back in one piece. If you can bring Genesis and Angeal back too, that’s a bonus. Hojo’s a nasty piece of work, though, so be careful.”

Sephiroth-U, when he emerged from his bedroom with his own pack, looked far more like a military leader than he had yesterday. His uniform was still white and tailored, but it was made from a thicker material that looked like it could stop a blade while still being flexible. The tasseled epaulets had been replaced with shiny metal pauldrons, and the yellow belt he wore to signify his registered mutation looked like it would provide actual protection for his belly.

“Keep things under control here, Zack,” he said with authority. “And keep on top of getting the incident yesterday covered up. The last thing I need is for Hojo to find out I have him.”

“Got it, boss. I’ll see if I can sort out Avalanche as well. And here, picked these up in case he has trouble adjusting out there.” Zack-B handed something to Sephiroth-U, who took it with a frown.

“He won’t.” Sephiroth-U shoved whatever it was back at Zack-B.

“Boss, you can’t know that.”

“I can. He doesn’t need that shit. Ready to go, Cloud-R?”

“Yes, sir!” Cloud-R stood to attention and saluted.

Even once they were out of the house, there was a distinct lack of people. Did all the Ultraviolets live like this? It seemed to Cloud-R that, as nice as privacy seemed to be, it would get lonely. Then again, he wondered if his roommates had even noticed he hadn’t returned. There were no messages on his PDC from them, or even from Tifa-R, whom he sort of hoped would have been a little concerned about him. Was Avalanche really that mad at him? He followed Sephiroth-U a short distance to a parking garage, where an Infrared in a crisp black uniform was waiting by a car. He opened the door for them as Sephiroth-U said, “Hydroponics. Section 5.”

The smooth movement of the vehicle was unnerving, and Cloud-R clutched at the safety strap Sephiroth-U had buckled around him. He couldn’t tell how fast they were going, but he was quite sure the answer was very.

“Never been in a car before?” he asked.

“No, sir. It’s the Transtube life for me. I’ve seen a motorbike, though. You know, with two wheels? It was so cool.” The instant he said it, Cloud-R wanted to smack himself in the face. That wasn’t impressive when talking to an Ultraviolet! He could see the driver snickering up front.

For whatever reason, however, Sephiroth-U didn’t look exasperated. Instead his eyebrows raised like he was interested. “I imagine that’s a pretty rare sight in your sector. If you’d like, I can ask Zack to let you try driving his sometime.”

“Zack-B has—try _driving_ it!?” Cloud-R’s heart skipped several beats.

“No promises; that thing is his baby. Angeal gave it to him when he was promoted to commander of Vulture Squadron. But he’d at least take you for a ride even if he won’t let you drive it.”

“I …”

Sephiroth-U gave him an understanding smile and squeezed his hand. “We’re here.”

‘Here’ was a vast area filled with rows upon rows and stacks upon stacks of pipes, troughs, and green. Hydroponics, where the soybeans and other plants were cultivated under lights that buzzed annoyingly to provide food for the citizens of Shinra Complex. Thousands of Infrared workers toiled under the supervision of Reds and Oranges.

“Normally to go to the Outdoors, we’d use the Army’s exit,” Sephiroth-U explained as they walked down a narrow pathway between rows, squeezing around workers who were carefully tending to the plants. “Since we’re attempting to fly under the radar, however, I’ve called in a small favour.”

“Sephiroth!” A woman in green waved to them when they reached the end of the row. She had long brown hair tied back with a ribbon and a warm smile, and she turned to Cloud-R as they approached. “You must be Cloud. Sephiroth has talked about you a lot. I’m Aerith.”

Pink was tinting Sephiroth-U’s cheeks again, but he frowned and said, “He prefers to have the R included.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Cloud-R. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

Cloud-R found himself blushing as well. It was becoming obvious that Sephiroth-U and his friends didn’t normally use their clearance levels when speaking to or about each other. They acted more like they were equals and clearance level didn’t matter. “It’s okay,” he muttered, not wanting to be the odd one out despite how much he liked his R. Was it strange that Sephiroth-U had picked up on it? He supposed he must have read his mind. Still, it was kind of nice that he had noticed and cared enough to say something. “Just Cloud is fine. Nice to meet you, Aerith-G.”

“Just Aerith is fine for me, too,” she said gently.

“Aerith is the writer for the Suzuki Club that I mentioned,” Sephiroth-U said. “It seems that Cloud-R is a fan as well.”

Her eyes lit up with delight. “Oh, that’s wonderful! And now you’re going to the Outdoors! Are you excited?”

Cloud-R gave a small nod. “Nervous too, but Sephiroth-U says trees actually exist, and I’m looking forward to seeing one.”

“Just remember to breathe and close your eyes when you need to. It can be a bit overwhelming the first time, but Sephiroth will keep you safe, won’t you?”

“I will. Zack tried to give me some Environmental Stress meds for him—”

Aerith-G rolled her eyes. “What an ass. I’ll knock some sense into him one day.”

“Isn’t it good to take meds?” Cloud-R asked. “At Happiness Re-education, they said we should to stay happy and stress-free.”

Both Sephiroth-U and Aerith-G scrunched up their faces in almost the exact same way.

“There are better ways to be happy,” Aerith-G said. “And tripping balls while hallucinating a giant monitor blocking out the sky won’t really help on your mission. Come on, I’ll show you the way.”

They were led further through the hydroponic fields until they reached a sliding metal door that Aerith-G unlocked with a code. That opened onto a disgusting-smelling storage room that she said held fertilizer. She laughed and said it was best not to know when Cloud-R asked what it was. At the back of the fertilizer room, Sephiroth-U pushed aside a large crate, revealing an ancient-looking door.

“I’ll leave it unlocked for you,” she said while she punched in another code.

“Thanks. I’m not sure how long this will take, but I’ll send you a message if it ends up dragging.”

“Appreciated. Good luck, Cloud.” She waved as Sephiroth-U pushed the door open.

“Thanks. It was nice meeting you.” Sephiroth-U was holding out his hand, so Cloud-R took it and followed the man through. It didn’t really look any different from Indoors, except the walls and ceiling were rough-hewn, and the floor was very dirty. He supposed there were no scrub-bots in the Outdoors. When the door shut behind them with a clang, it was dark for a moment, then Cloud-R noticed a scattered light source to their left.

He let himself be pulled along the narrow corridor—Sephiroth-U had to duck several times so he wouldn’t hit his head—until they reached a strange mass of pokey things and flat green ovals. It looked a bit like some of the things that had been growing in Hydroponics, but much, much larger. Cloud sucked in a loud gasp of air.

“Sephiroth, is this a _tree!?_ ”

That got him a wide smile. “You dropped the U! Close. It’s a bush, according to Aerith. I’m not entirely clear on what the difference is, however. Through this way.” Sephiroth-U pushed aside a large section of the bush and led him down an even narrower path that poked and pulled at his gear. It was only a few short steps, however, before Cloud-R stepped out into the open.

“Welcome to the Outdoors,” Sephiroth-U said, taking a firmer grip on his hand. “Try not to panic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks will totally be plenty of time to write chapter 8, I said to myself. I know exactly what needs to happen in it. 
> 
> I've written two sentences. 
> 
> I have, however, written many sentences of dissertation, which is arguably more important. I've been telling myself it's an Abe Shinzo/Japanese Constitution abusive shipfic with terrible BDSM practices. The part about pirates was pretty fun.


End file.
